Second Wedding Etiquette

Not that long ago, popular thought dictated that second weddings should not be elaborate, formal or extravagant; rather, one should aim for smaller, quieter and more intimate. Today, however, more than 30 percent of today’s weddings are encore weddings and decidedly more commonplace. The focus is on celebrating two people who have found each other, discovering love again and embarking on a new beginning. In truth, celebrations can be as elaborate or as intimate as we desire, without fearing social stigma.

Ceremonies and Vows

Civil ceremonies tend to be the most popular with encore brides, but a religious ceremony is entirely appropriate. If you choose a religious ceremony, meet with your officiant, clergy member, etc. about any “hoops” through which you might need need to jump.

There are endless possibilities for making your second wedding even more special. Writing personalized vows is very popular for encore couples, and entire books are devoted to the subject. Including your children in the ceremony is a wonderful way to symbolize the joining of your two families and to help them feel as though they are an essential part of your celebration. They can escort you down the aisle, read a poem or scripture, serve as attendants or as a part of my favorite ritual: the lighting of a unity candle.

Who will walk you down that aisle? Happily for us, these days it can be anyone: your mother, child, two children or best friend—or you can choose not to have anyone do so. In fact, traditional Jewish processions include both sets of grandparents and parents. The parents stand with the bridal party under the chuppah (wedding canopy) during the ceremony. You can create your own tradition, with all of your children walking beside you and your groom and standing with you at the altar. You’re bound only by your imagination.

Announcing Your Engagement

When planning your encore wedding, one of your major concerns will be the effect it has on your children. They should be the first to know of your decision to remarry. After all, you will be uniting two families, and two sets of children will naturally experience stress.

Your parents should be informed next, followed by your ex, if you have joint custody. Your ex may be an asset when it comes to reassuring your children about their role in the new family.

Note: Don’t wear engagement rings from the past. Once you begin planning and announcing the news, all signs of former loves should disappear.

Announce your plans to marry in the newspaper, by email, phone, and at an engagement party. Even though there is no ‘rule’ against it, the couple’s parents will probably not be hosting this party. Friends and family may wish to, which is fine. Typically, the couple doesn’t host one either, but they can host aparty in which they announce that they are now engaged. This is not considered a gift-giving event.

Note : If hosting your engagement party, do not expect gifts. We don’t host gift giving events for ourselves.

And, speaking of gifts, go ahead and register. Even if you don’t want gifts, there will be people who love you and want to give you something and they will need guidance. Plus, it is perfectly appropriate for encore couples to register.

Whom to Invite?

When planning your special event, realize that you can invite anyone you want to your wedding. You may want to avoid inviting former in-laws and ex-spouses, even if you’re on good terms. They may become a bit melancholy, and some guests may feel awkward around them.

Since most couples pay for, and plan, a second wedding, discuss your budget realistically and stick to it, while sharing all of your dreams and expectations with each other. This is a second chance to make your wedding your own—your plan, your style. It can be as extravagant, elegant or intimate as you wish.

Wedding Announcements

Announce your second wedding in the same way you’d handle a first. Mail announcements after the ceremony to those who were not invited to the wedding. While most couples announce their marriages today, parents may do so, if they wish.

Taking His Name?

When talking second marriages, how to word the invitation can be a bit confounding. Your friends may only know you by your married name, however using your first husband's surname on the invites probably feels really weird. The bottom line? Use the name that makes you feel most comfortable. If you'd rather not use your first husband's name but are concerned people will think they've been invited to a stranger's wedding, indicate this on the invite or give friends a call.

Wear What You Want!

It may be your second wedding, but that doesn't mean you have to wear a suit and be married by a Justice of the Peace!  Wear that gorgeous gown you've been dreaming about, and opt for the full church service if you want it. Inform your parents and/or children of your plans so they know what the ceremony will entail.

Remember, It's a Fresh Start

Refrain from saying "Well, the last time I did this..." and similar things, which can hurt your new soon-to-be hubby. Plan an entirely different wedding, from the venue to the cake to the first dance and beyond. This is a completely fresh start, so treat it like one!

Blending the Families

Get ready to blend households in addition to families: discuss what you'll do with your things before the wedding. Have a joint garage sale if desired, and give him his own space for displaying collections you think are hideous, such as a "man cave" room. Remember, the same goes for any crazy collections of your own!

Enjoy Getting Creative

A second wedding gives you an opportunity to do unconventional things and otherwise be as creative as desired. Want to cut the cake first? Perhaps greet family and friends with your husband-to-be at the ceremony site entrance? Go for it! Have fun and feel free to make it all kinds of special!

Don't Forget the Kiddies

It's important to let your children know they're part of your new union. Options include lighting a unity candle together at the ceremony, or going the unity sand ceremony route. Provide each child with a different color of sand and use a hurricane lamp to blend them. Place the lamp on your mantle or other important household spot after your honeymoon. The kids will love it!

List Important Peeps

Family relationships can confuse guests the second time 'round. Ensure program lists all "key players" and their relationships, such as "So-and-So, Father of the Groom."

SECOND WEDDING RECEPTIONS AND PARTIES

Your reception can be as elaborate or as simple as you wish. One distinctive difference may be your receiving line, as parents may or may not be included. Typically, the couple is at the head of the line, with their children next to them. Many encore couples also choose to omit the garter and bridal bouquet toss. Use common sense and plan what seems appropriate for your situation.

Not Necessary

• Attendants
• Someone to walk the bride down the aisle
• Rehearsal dinner
• Procession

All of these elements are always optional.

Please Do

• Register, even if you don’t want gifts. Guests may wish to give and might need guidance. This is optional, though.
• Include your children in the ceremony, but ask first if they want to participate.
• Personalize your wedding and reception. This is your chance to have the wedding you want.

Please Don't

• Duplicate your first wedding
• Marry in the same location
• Wear the same dress as your first wedding
• Use rings from a former relationship
• Discuss or berate former spouses
• Invite the ex

May Include

• Engagement party
• Announcement in the paper
• Shower
• *Rehearsal dinner
• A large formal wedding with attendants (depending on time of day, location & number of guests)
• Mom, children, or best friend can walk the bride down the aisle, or she can walk alone.
• Brides can wear any color they desire.